August 18, 2015 § 4 Comments
I still can’t believe we are at this point, two little people growing inside me. I’m feeling very tired and very uncomfortable most of the time, bump is very tight and growing by the day!
The reason I haven’t posted for so long, is that I am finding it very hard to strike a balance between the IVF/fertility and the pregnancy. I feel like I don’t want to upset those who are still fighting, but I also want to obviously enjoy every second of my experience. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that this is sadly my last post.
I still follow and pray for those who are going through treatments and tests and needles and heartache, and wish every single one of you success.
Thank you to all of those bloggers who got me through some of the darkest times in my life, and I truly hope I will be reading your success stories in the very near future. Sending lots of love Xx
April 21, 2015 § 8 Comments
A beautiful, heart wrenching post from a strong, strong lady. So many moments resonated with me. Feel very blessed, and send love and hope to all the brave, lovely ladies out there fighting the fight Xx
There she is. Do you see her? She sits quietly at the table in the back with her purse perfectly placed in her lap and her arms neatly resting on top. She smiles on the outside, but on the inside? On the inside her heart is breaking and her soul is crushing as she looks around at the other women in the room. Their arms are not empty, but full. Their laps are not filled with purses, but rather giggly toddlers. And as they talk about the joys of motherhood, her womb begins to ache. And tears begin to form.
She didn’t want to come. But it was her best friend’s baby shower. She didn’t want to play the games. But everyone else was. And she didn’t want to answer “the question.” It’s the question that makes all women struggling to conceive upset and uncomfortable even if it’s for…
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April 5, 2015 § 6 Comments
Well, I realise I have been a completely rubbish blogger lately, my excuse is that I am feeling extremely rough most of the time! Loving every second though, I am still in awe of recent events.
The scan day was the best day of my life so far, up there with my wedding day. We are so pleased to announce that we are having twins! Double trouble! Every day feels like Christmas, I feel so blessed.
The anxiety and worry leading up to the scan just faded away when I saw those two beautiful heartbeats appear on the screen. It feels so wonderful to know there are two beautiful babies in there!
I’m feeling pretty poorly at the moment, nauseous pretty much most of the time, and so tired I want to sleep all the time! I am still on Progynova, Cyclogest, Clexane and aspirin, and will be till 12 weeks. Haven’t really been able to do much lately other than lay down and feel sick! But I am smiling all the time, it’s all just magic 🙂
March 25, 2015 § 3 Comments
Afternoon fellow bloggers, apologies for the lack of posts, I’ve been alternating between feeling surreal and anxious, to sick as a parrot! I logged on today and found out I’d been nominated for an award! The Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award. This award recognises the unique voices of women across the world, how lovely to be thought of.
The blogging community of IVF and infertility, I’ve found to be a supportive and informative place, filled with women (and men) of amazing strength and resilience. I began my blog as a cathartic experience for me, it helped to clear my head and focus my thoughts. I also like to hope that a few people may have got some comfort from my words or some questions answered.
I was nominated by While We Wait, a lovely blog I’ve followed throughout my third cycle. Thank you so much for your nomination! Much love!
So, the rules.
1) Thank the blogger who nominated you, linking back to their site.
2) Put the award logo on your blog.
3) Answer the ten questions the nominator has set for you.
4) Make up ten new questions for your nominees to answer.
5) Nominate 10 people.
So, here are my questions and answers:
What’s your favourite thing about blogging?
My favourite thing about blogging has been meeting all of the wonderful, tough, beautiful fighters out there who each have their own battles yet find it in them to support and send hope to others. There is an amazing network out there, and I’m proud to be a part of it.
What was the last thing you saw at the theatre and what did you think of it?
The last thing I saw at the pictures was The Hobbit – Battle of the Five Armies, and I loved it! Possibly my favourite of the three films. My first favourite book as a very young child was the Hobbit, and I still have my Dad’s book (sorry Dad) missing the cover and read so much it is nearly falling apart!
What’s left to do on your bucket list? Have you actually crossed anything off it yet?
I’m sorry to say I haven’t actually got a bucket list! But this question has shamed me into making one. One thing that would be on it would be to complete a challenge for charity, or just for myself. Like hiking a mountain, or completing an assault course. Something that challenges my body and my mind.
Who is your embarrassing/weird celebrity crush?
My celebrity crushes are pretty out there anyway! David Bowie definitely. Or Chris Packham is my geek crush! I will never live this down.
Summer or Winter?
Summer, definitely. I am a definite sun lover, I’m that crazy person perched in farthest corner of the garden catching the last ray of sun before it disappears. I love the colours, the smells, the sounds of summer!
Beach/pool holiday doing nothing or running, jumping climbing trees somewhere completely random?
Hmmm, I have to say a mixture of both! Is that allowed? Despite the fact I could literally sit in the sun on a beach for weeks on end, I also love climbing trees and exploring!
Did you go to university? If so, what did you study and do you think that your degree has helped you in later life?
I didn’t go to University, I went to college then went out and got myself a job! University never really appealed to me, I had enough of studying at college, although the social side may have been more fun 😉
How would you spend your ideal day, with no budget or time restrictions? (i.e. being able to jump countries or continents in an instant)
I would wake up to sunshine and clear blue skies, pack my rucksack and spend the day with my hubby, family and friends jumping from beaches, to cities, to ancient ruins, to jungles, exploring everywhere, then back home for some good food and chilling with a good film. Sigh….
What would you call your autobiography?
Tough question! Probably something like ‘Taming the Crazy’ Haha!!
Do you cook/bake from scratch? If so, do you have a signature dish?
Normally I cook most things from scratch, I enjoy cooking. But since I have felt like I am on a rolling sea vessel most of the time I have hung back from this, eating random stuff when I can and weirdly enjoying it. Signature dish is maybe beef brisket chilli, or butternut squash curry!
Nominate 10 blogs….
4) Baby Maybe
Finally, my 10 questions….
What is your favourite thing about blogging?
Where would be your favourite place to live?
What is your top five book list?
What makes you happy?
What is the craziest or most embarrassing thing you have done in your life?
If money was no object, what would you buy?
What do you think is the most important trait in a person?
What do you wish you were better at?
What is your worst nightmare?
What is the first word that pops into your head?
March 14, 2015 § 17 Comments
We got our BFP! Our first ever positive! Words cannot explain how I feel right now, I am floating.
I woke at 5.45 on the day of testing, and somehow managed to hold off until 7. My heart was turning somersaults. The testing is always the hardest part, make or break, joy or heartbreak.
I thought my heart was going to come out of my chest as I told Mr. C I was about to do it. I watched the test and as the test line came up I couldn’t see any other lines, thought it was over. My heart crashed. Then I looked again. There was my beautiful cross appearing on the test!
I am still in awe and shock right now, and so unbelievably grateful. To feel like this is the most wonderful gift, me and Mr C. are over the beautiful moon! Of course I am trying to quell the rising fears and worries, but they won’t win, I am loving every second. I’m scared to sleep in case it isn’t true! The next milestone is the scan in April, and I’m counting the days!
Thank you to all those who have supported us through this ongoing journey, family, friends and blogging buddies. I feel so lucky to be surrounded by such positive and wonderful people, many of whom are going through their own life struggles. You’re amazing.
Yet I know that on the same day as my world became sunnier, others were getting the worst news. The feeling of getting the negative tests will never leave me, it haunts my dreams and knocked me off my feet. All I can say is don’t give up believing, you are so strong, keep the hope. I hope you get all the love and healing you need. Xx
March 10, 2015 § 3 Comments
Apologies for the less than imaginative title, but it’s about all my brain can creatively come up with right now. I’m doing ok, surviving and managing to sleep well somehow, which in itself is a mean feat!! Feeling relaxed and taking myself on long slow walks, pretty much just treating myself well.
I cannot believe the difference from the last times, by this time I had not slept for about 5 days and cried for about 3 of them. The rest of the time was spent on Google, non-blinkingly searching for some magic, hidden symptom that wasn’t caused by all the drugs and that meant our dreams were coming true.
I’ve still visited Google, I’ll admit it, but I’ve done it with a sort of detachment. I’ve searched but I haven’t succumbed! Symptom wise, not too much to report, just a few twinges and mild mid/lower back pain. Oh, and eating like a fiend.
It is a constant battle though, the one thing that doesn’t change no matter where you are on your journey, is that it is in your mind constantly. From the moment you open your eyes in the morning to the moment you close them at night. There is no relief, no rest, it is your life. The waiting, the drugs, the sadness, the fears, the hurdles, more drugs, more waiting, needles, hormones, tears, scans, it’s endless. And every single bit of it is worth it to give us a child. Or children. Every single bit.
So at the moment, I’m pretty darn proud of myself to even be able to string a sentence together, and loving being PUPO! Sit tight little ones! Any time I feel like I’m about to hyperventilate, I remember how we felt the night before the transfer, and how we felt to see our beautiful embryos on transfer day. Magic happens all the time 🙂
March 6, 2015 § 3 Comments
So I am officially PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) and feel good. The night before the transfer was so nerve wracking, so out of my control awful, that I made a promise to myself. If our two blasties made it through the night, then I would enjoy every second of the two week wait.
I heard somewhere recently that sometimes the negativity comes out as a sort of protective measure, you convince yourself it hasn’t worked in order to try to protect yourself from a sad outcome. But whether you try to be happy and enjoy the experience, or whether you worry and suffer, doesn’t change how you feel at the end, you still suffer the same. If a negative then you have saved yourself two weeks of hell and still feel the pain regardless of your attempts to protect yourself, and if it’s a positive life just gets better!
I somehow managed to sleep on the Wednesday night, and woke about 6am to immediate anxiety which I spent the next 2 and a half hours trying to calm, then the phone rang. The normal confirmation of name and date of birth before anything (I’m amazed I remembered) then she spilled the good news! It was my nirvana moment!
They had survived, and were perfect. We were asked to go in at 11, hell yes!
At the clinic I was determined to relax and enjoy the experience, my mindset was already 100% different to the last two times. We were called through after getting changed, and asked if I could listen to my hypnotherapy throughout. I have to say it really helped, the transfer was the easiest and least painful yet, and I was over the moon to see our snow babies on the screen. One was even hatching as we spoke! I was just in awe! Hubby held my hand throughout, was a happy, emotional, exciting moment.
Listened to my hypnotherapy on the way home, was elated. My embies where they belong.
So, today, 1dp6dt (1day past 6 day transfer) I am continuing the theme of relaxing and being positive. In way of symptoms I have been hungry, had a few twinges, and a bit of lower back ache. Also a bit of nausea, but not sure if just from all the stress and excitement. The wonderful Cyclogest can also cause all of these things.
Started Clexane yesterday, think I had a lucky break with yesterdays one – pretty painless. Today – hurt like a bitch! But worth every bit! Apologies for the slightly disjointed post, my brain is all over the place!
To all those in the two week wait, wishing you all your BFP’s!
March 4, 2015 § 7 Comments
Transfer Day is tomorrow, I am so nervous and trying my best to stay calm!
Life threw another little spin in our direction the other day, one I didn’t think could happen. On Sunday afternoon, I had a call from the embryologist. I was hyped ready to hear how our 4 PN’s were doing, when she literally made my world stop.
They forgot to thaw the embryos. They forgot.
What has been my living, breathing life, forgotten.
I naively said why can’t we just thaw now and do the transfer a day later, but the window of implantation would have been missed. The saving grace, are our two beautiful blastocysts, which they are thawing maybe about right now. I am sending all my love and energy to them, and trying to keep sane. I am so thankful that we had our 2 blasts, otherwise the cycle would have been for nothing. Looking for the bright side, grateful that the cycle can still go ahead.
Maybe this was meant to be, maybe these two darlings are the ones for me. I’m keeping busy at the moment, and will hear from the Embryologist tomorrow. Forgive me for the short post, and wish my little embies luck Xx
February 27, 2015 § 2 Comments
Happy Friday! Final scan has been done this morning, and a huge sigh of relief has been given. Lining is looking good, we are currently at 12mm. Continuing on 3 x Progynova daily and 4 x 200mg Cyclogest daily.
I am expecting a call from the Amazing Embryologist to let me know about our beautiful frozen embies. Come on little ones, it’s out of my hands now!
I am continuing to do meditation and hypnotherapy, the one from Aculife is particularly good, as it is written precisely for IVF, pre, post and also implantation support. I find the actual transfer quite overwhelming as I think I’ve mentioned before, and also quite painful. I have a session to listen to during the transfer to try and remain calm and still, as remaining as relaxed as possible is really important to reduce uterine contractions. As I find it quite painful I tend to tense up so need to relax! It should be a happy day, reunited at last!
Another interesting note, I realised that my transfer is on the day of a full moon, loving the continuity! Decided to read up on lunar cycles and fertility/IVF and found some interesting links.
I love this! Fingers crossed!
Much love Xx